Dream a lill dream of me

"Look at the stars" she said. "dont they look beautiful?"

I looked at her. she was looking gorgeous. oh who cares about the stars?! I smiled. She pulled her knotted hair behind her ear and felt a little shy. Perhaps she noticed i was staring at her and not the stars. 

My heart pumped. Should I tell her my feelings? 

"Dont you find the stars beautiful?" she asked.

What if she rejects me? What if she has no feelings for me?

"Oh come on!" She was definitely getting angry(fake of course). 

I laughed. "They are beautiful" I said looking at her eyes.

She blushed. "i know right! i love to see the stars." she said.

"Yea them too.." I said with a hint of sarcasm.

She nudged me. "uff. you and your dialogues."

I sighed.

I loved it how she rolled her eyes. "God i would take this 2 mile walk to drop her everyday." I told God quietly.  Doesnt matter if she is with me only for a quarter part of it. 

"ok then. we are here." 

" What!! stay no. whats the hurry?" I snapped immediately. 

"Arre I have to cook."

I was silent. I really hoped she takes the clue and invites me for dinner.

"Chalo you go home now" she said. "You are boring anyways. you just stay quite. you dont even look at the stars.."

"I did look at the stars" i interrupted. "I was looking at different stars."

She blushed again. The knot again! Man this walk was the best decision of my life.

"acha. enough. go now. c you tomoro?"

Hell yea!! I said to myself. "Not sure yaar. its a long walk. will let you know." i said with a false sad face. 

"Whatever. C YOU TOMORROW. BE HERE. drama king. clown. BYE!"

i just stood there for a moment and finally looked up at the gas balls they call stars. yea they are beautiful. i started back...humming, hoping..dream a little dream of me....

love

we were watching this new movie. Not romantic but a thriller. Not
romantic at all.
Why did I even say yes? ah i remember now.. Atleast am getting to
spend time with her.
and her whole group of friends.
i ask one question to her and the whole group jumps up to listen and
answer the question.
the question is for her dammit!
Hey why are you not gymming? I asked.
She very seriously turned to me and with all excitedness started
telling me her routine. I just loved listening to her. i Never used to
interrupt. She looks at me with such intent..I dissappear in her eyes.
 U look beautiful I said. Shit. Where did that come from I said to myself.
But she just smiled and said, haan? thank u yaar
.And I was about to say something else when the damned movie started.grrrrrr.
Sometimes I feel she never understands what I mean when I say she
looks beautiful. She takes my I love u's for a joke. Damn. But I love
being with her. I just love her.
During the movie at a moment the hero took the girls hand. She said he
is flirting. I said noo...he is just holding hands..like this..and I
took her hands. It was wonderful. She kept on joking, and I held her
hands.and then she took it away. I dont know why.
at times i just used to crouch a little towards her...in a very
innocent way..with a devilish smile and used to say scary things to
her. her eyes opened wide and she started hitting me!! haha
my days are incomplete without her hitting me. my days are incomplete
without her hugging me. my days are incomplete without her complaing
to me. i am incomplete with her.
it was a nice movie. well i did not really see the movie. she was
telling me about it. she liked it. so it must have been nice. :P
what did i do during the movie? i pinched her. i scared her. talked to
her. tried guessing the suspense of the movie to her. at times slept
on her. and when her friends were tlking to her..i really slept during
those times!
so i guess it was a good movie after all!
the movie ended at two. yes in the night. yes it was a late night
movie. but no fun in that. we were not alone. cant treat her to her
favourite ice cream. shops are closed.
but the good part is..i live next to her house. so she drives me to
her home. thank god her friends have cars and they live far away! at
least now i will get some time with her.
not like am gonna propose her or something. yeah we havent said those
three magical words yet. do i really need to?
just spending time with her. making her laugh is good enough. she
smiles and gives out her famous laugh is good enough for me. famous
laugh: when she laughes, the whole world shakes, some countries
experience earthquake. true story!
so i say stupid things. i am not a good standup. neither do i crack
good jokes. i just say stupid things about me, and i tease her!
its so easy to make her laugh.
 it was so tough for me to smile. gosh! those days. i had forgotten
how to smile. i  felt my face had a permanent frown mark.first time i
saw her..not that i fell in love with her...the first thing that i did
was i cracked a joke! that wasnt me! but yet i felt alive! for the
first time! soon i knew who she was.
she was a mad woman! a hysterical laugher! and i was a serial nonsense
joke cracker. she laughed at my stupid talks and everyone else looked
at us as if we are crazy. jealous people. or stupid us.
oops. have reached home.
havent smiled like this since ages i tell her.
she tells me i know that. do u think i dont notice?
and she goes away.
i dont know what to say.i just keep looking at the car. going away further.
thats my life. i love her

Happy Birthday Mom

Dharti pe ek taara hai,
Jo mera dulara hai,
Wo mujhko pyara hai,
Mera sabse nyara hai.

Hum tumpe marte hain
pyaar tumse karte hain.

Tere janamdin pe ye tujhse kehte hain...
Happy birthday o mamma
I love u o mamma.
Tu hi sabse pyari hai,
Meri raaj dulari hai.
Tujh bin jeewan saada hai,
Tere sang rehne ka waada hai.

Happy happy happy happy birthday to you!!!!

you

just how i miss u...

its crazy..

just how i love you...

its amazing..

i only have thoughts abt u...

i only want to be with u..

i will fight with u..

i will fight for u..

why not?

it rained and rained and it rained for years.

and then there i saw you. sunshine finally. i met you.

i asked why would someone like you talk to someone like me?

and you answered why not?

i walked and walked and walked all my life.

and then i met you. finally i could rest.

you asked me why i love you?

i answered why not?

i searched and searched and searched all my life.

and then i finally found you. i could breathe.

and you asked why do you hold me like this?

i answered why not?

i thought and thought and thought all my life.

and finally i could see. it was you.

you asked will i be there forever?

i answered why not?

fasting day 2

Its amazing. I havent fasted in 5 years. I tried doing it a few times but i always failed. So what inspired me to fast for navratri? I dont know. My growing love for spirituality? Me wanting to break my barriers? Kind of. I am a slave to myself. I cant bring myself to do things that i want to. I have such awesome and amazing aims for myself. I fail on them all the time. I wanted to break these barriers. And i dont know how but i got this idea that i shoudl fast. I am anyways attending the chanting. I am meditating.
The first day i was very hungry. I went to satsang and there was the best food ever. Usually i would break my fast, for the food smelled heavenly and there were some of the best dishes that one could eat. But i held on. And i was amazed at myself. I could not believe it. For me this was a big deal. I have always broken my fast within these 5 years. I was feeling tired and weak though. Now i want to continue it for 9 days. through the entire Navratri. That is my Tapas. That is how i want to break my barriers. Today is the second day. I am hungry and it feels amazing. I have grown. Where i could not hold myself on anything, it is the first time when in front of my eyes for two consecutive days was my favourite food and i chose not to eat it. i chose to fast. 7 more days to go. I dont know how i will do it. it sounds scary. i am eating fruits, but they are very limited. One apple and one peach. I need more fruits. i also drank milk today but i ate only once. Yesterday i ate fruits twice. I am pondering upon the thought that why i am doing it? What am i trying to achieve here?
I dont know. Perhaps this hunger which is the basic need of a human will take my emotions to the extreme and maybe i will see what is going on in this fat head of mine. maybe i will see what is in my heart. i know i am in turmoil. no anger up till now. Only hunger and tiredness.
Jai Gurudev

ujale ki talaash

kabhi dil khush hai,
to kabhi dil udas hai.
kabhi jeene ki chah hai,
to kabhi marne ki aas hai.

bas yunhi chal raha hoon main,
andhera hai aage.
is andhere mein,
ujala dhoond raha hoon main