Monday, December 13, 2010

a hug is all it takes..:)

 it was time for me to visit the AOL centre. the thought of visiting the place made me smile from inside because i knew that that place is my sanctuary, where i can connect... i can be myself...determined i went there on a satsang day( satsang means good company...when we go to satsang we chant the lords name).

it was so rejuvanating. and i met so many amazing people. there was amit bhaiya, shubhra bhabhi, basant bhaiya, neha and so many awesome people!!!! i felt blissed!!!and the satsang ended so fast...:( was time to go...i did not want to leave... i wanted to spend time with them...somehow those people felt different...they were not wearing any masks...they were what they were...and it felt so calm and peaceful around the end of satsang everyone hugs everyone...especially the newcomer...and so i got hugs from everyone...:)...i felt happy, light and elated from my heart...and so me, neha and anish went out to go home. neha is this beautiful girl...believe it or not she is intelligent too, the proof of which is the fact that she is doing her phd... she is always smiling...she is always doing some chatar chatar patar was fun to be around her...always jumping like a is so much fun to tease her...she always gives these naughty reactions when we tease her...she kept on speaking and did not give any chance to me to speak!!!but who wanted to speak?? i just wanted to listen to her...neha's train was 3 mins away and mine was after was time to bid goodbye. i told her that all these days i was feeling so alone and when she hugged i felt awesome...she smiled, looked at me and she gave me a nice and warm hug...

 and her train came and with the childish smile she hopped on the train and left...and i stood there...
in that moment i dont know what happened... but a lot of feelings overtook me... i was drawn into some void and droplets of tears rolled down my cheeks...and there i new york city, in the subway standing on the platform and or two people started me, its a rare sight to see a guy cry...i dont know what had happened to me...what overcame me, but there i was standing...

that hug said a lot of said whatever happens dont worry i will be there for you...whenever you need a friend i am there!!! it was reassuring and sweet mixed with a tinge of warmth...her look was piercing...i felt like she could look inside my heart and see what i had gone through and what had i been doing all these days... i couldn't forget that moment for a long time...someone hugging is not a big deal..i know that...but that moment got stuck in my mind...maybe it was the empathy which she had for me...or maybe it was the divine love which all of them was something...because when i returned home i was all smiles...the whole night the only thing that i did was smile...when i was cooking i was smiling...when i was talking in my home i was smiling...hell i even studied with a smile!!

and perhaps at that moment i learnt a valuable lesson...a hug from neha is all it takes!!!
thank you neha!!!
jai gurudev

Thursday, December 2, 2010

maybe. just maybe. i know the secret to happiness :)

and finally she is online after 3 days...damn i missed her...dont know why i miss her but i do... :)...i dont even miss my girlfriend that much ...i pinged her...
"hi, how r u? kahan thi itne din?" i said
"i  went bak home."...i was kinda surprised. i mean her exams are 13 days away and she is a good student. why would go home so suddenly and that too without even leaving a message??
she continued "i was contemplating suicide, and i dint wanna attempt"
"wtf!!" were my precise words...
and then she explained "it was all happening at once. bianca's surgery(her roommate). exams. loneliness. him(meaning her boyfriend)"
"its very stressful. i felt so lonely and detached. like i am alone.i lost my power. i lost confidence in god."she said.
honestly...i was shocked and also scared.
" why dint you call me?" i asked.
and pat came the known excuse" no balance".
"i knew u would scold me. thats why i was afraid to tell u. but i promise i wont do it. i was only thinking about it. i did not do anything. i promise."
for a moment i really felt bad."i trust you, you know. you dont need to promise me. i believe what you say." somehow i felt she was crying. honestly i dont know if she acually was.
so i started saying "yaar you shouldnt feel like this, life shows a lot of things. you think your problems are big? my problems are this and that"
and she said " buddy i have already analyzed everything.each and everything bugs me. at that point of time i was really alone. i was scared. i dint know what to do."
and then i asked her about her problems...i gave her some advice...i told her to do some stuff and something else but her answers gave me a hint that i was doing more harm than good.and then somehow i cracked a joke on her...
the reply was"hehehe"
and then maybe i knew the answer to everything.she knew her problems. she can solve her problems better than me anyday. she doesnt need help with problem solving. what she needs is a break from them. she wants to talk to someone who doesnt read her his own problems but enjoys every moment with her.
" are you cooking dinner?" i asked despite knowing the answer.
"no mumma is cooking it"she said
"thank god!!because if u would have cooked dinner, everyone would be contemplating suicide!!!"
and she was all laughs...i joked and joked and joked and she laughed and laughed and laughed. in the end she said she wanted to go and study for her exam. somehow i didnt wanna let her go because suddenly talking to her felt so much fun!!!
it took us 20 mins 8 jokes some cursing some stupid egoistic taunts and about 16 smileys to say goodbye to her. and in the end i received my gift...she left me a message saying " super duper gadha"
gadha...she always say that to me when she is happy. and i dont know how and why...but its so heavenly to hear this word from her. i feel like crying and laughing out loud at the same time. and super duper gadha!
somehow i rested assured that everything's gonna be ok. everything will be fine.
i knew how to make her laugh. i knew how to make her cry. i myself knew how to laugh. and i knew how to cry. small talks of happiness can lighten up any heart with a heavy load. people dont need others to solve their problems. they just need a hand to hold and laugh out loud. they just need someone with whom they can stop cribbing over their life and start laughing and enjoying it.
and now. its my time to smile and rest. time to talk my girlfriend.
and maybe. just maybe.i know the secret to happiness.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010


it was a fine sunday morning. and i was at my uncle's place. i was quietly sitting with with my thoughts and uncle. when suddenly out of the blue uncle asked me
" who are you? or how would you answer the question 'who am i'".
to be honest i was scared. this is a really scary question to answer. i gathered my courage and was just about to open my mouth when he said
"take your time. am not in a hurry"
i took a deep breath. i thought. i have answered this question before in interviews. i can do so now.
i said " my name is blah blah, i have done blah blah and so on." i had just finished the fourth line when he said
" whatever you are saying is your achievements, your qualifications, your name etc. who are you?"
now i was perplexed. his reputation for being spiritual, knowledgeable and practical was wide spread. so i thought again. this time for fifteen minutes. i still did not know what to say.
" who am i? i dont know." i said
"oh dont worry. take your time." he said.
seriously who am i? again i started saying i am the son of so and so....i am a good person...
he said " again this is your nature and your relationship. who are you"
i guess my blank face convinced him to answer.

and he said" you are the owner of varun goel."
"what the hell" were my precise thoughts.
" you are the one who sits behind and quietly watches varun do whatever he does. you dont do anything. you dont speak. you dont have a nature. you dont take part in anything. whatever is done is done by varun. you just sit quietly and watch him. you are his owner."

" oh so i just control his thoughts and see what he does." i said
"no. you dont think. that is what varun does. you only see. you dont make decisions. you know everything. you see everything. you are the king."
"but the king gives orders, doesn't he?" i said
"you dont give orders. you only watch him do the work. he does all the work. whoever talks, talks to him. not you. you only are deep inside. sitting quietly."

i thought over it. that is great i thought. it kinds of explain spirit and all that. even al capone, the famous gangster of new york said that he never killed anyone. it was al capone. he was a loving person.
but i did not feel satisfied. why is he telling me that. what do i do about it? why is he still smiling at me?

i asked him"so what? i mean what does it mean? what do i learn from it?"

he smiled again." if you understand that you are his owner and you do not do anything, and it is only varun who is doing all the work, then you wont mind if someone says anything to you."

he continued" if everyone understood this little fact then there would be no disharmony. nobody would take abuses personally. they will understand they are not being abused. it is the body who is being abused. it is the name.nobody can harm you or say anything to you. you dont die. nothing happens to you. you are god."

it finally clicked me. he is so correct. we are nothing but souls. everything else ie; our name, our fame our body, everything is given to us. we own everything. but we are not it.


Friday, August 27, 2010

i feel free...

I dont remember how many years has it been since i last saw her or talked to her...
But i clearly remember her face. I remember how she used to swing her hair back consantly while talking...I love listening to her when she is talking...her voice always questioning...her eyes never demanding...her smile jump-started the engine of my heart!!!...her fragrance like a thousand daisies.

I never thought about love or attraction or anything towards her... i just wanted to be with her.i wanted everything to stop. i just wanted to stay with her...i still skip a beat when i think about, just thinking about her makes me so ecstatic...

I was here on a break from my job. i like spending my time around books, so i spend most of my time in starstruck ( a famous book shop) . there i was sitting and then i saw her. bliss is the only word that can perfectly describe the state i was in. she had grown up a little. she had gained a lot of weight!! she also had a boyfriend. she described him as smart, with a job, smart, rich, smart. she was happy. god! i did not know what to say or do. again i was the listener. she asked questions and never gave me the chance to answer them.i never wanted to say anything. 2 hours went by. suddenly she realized she had to be home. and she was gone. the very next moment i was alone again.

i left that place. i was back in home. i still dont know what was the feeling going over my mind. but i remember complete silence in my mind. just her face...just her words...just her.

but isnt it wrong?? she has a boyfriend now. she has moved on. she doesn't know what feelings i have in my mind. i was confused. i wanted to cry. GOD HELP ME i said. i took some deep breaths.still dont know what to do.

but wasn't it an easy decision? i still love her when she wasnt here for all these years. i can feel her presence all the time. with her thoughts in my mind, physical presence has never been necessary.i know she has a place for me in her heart.maybe its not love. i dont even need her to love me or to call me, as in why should i demand?i accept her as she is. i dont need anything from her. i can just love her. i can love her completely. now i know how to love without expectation.

i feel free!!!
i love you.