the dream

it was very different
very strange
 it started with all of us friends were going in a train.
 you were with us. we were talking and having fun. and u gave me something. something that looked like a coin and u told me to keep it with me. then i went on the top seat. i was jumping, cracking jokes, very happy.
  u were just smiling and laughing and then suddenly something happened. everything started going away.
  not that everyone was dying or stuff was melting.
 they just went away in a very strange way. which was scary. i could see them all going away. and i could see my scary face. it was all red. red everywhere.then only me, my seat and the coin like thing remained.
  then the seat went.
and the coin which was now in my hand, it became hot. red hot. it melted away right through my hand. but i did not feel anything.

  and then i lost my body. i felt so free. and i felt i could see everything. and nothing
 nothing existed.
just me.
 everything is fake.
 why do we have the ego?
why do we fight?
 why do we love?
  the only reason we exist is because we have to exist.
then why am i leading my self into emotion?
 i felt detachment towrds everything. and that moment was beautiful. it felt real. i was free. just floated in the air. and that feeling was...blissful. after some time everything broke down. i was back i had the coin in my hand. everyone was there u were smiling at me and then u  went away. no no. u were there.
u just innocently looked at me and asked what happened? why are u looking like that and u smiled!!
  everyone was acting like as if nothing had happened and maybe nothing had happened. i checked if i had the coin or not. it was not there
  or maybe it was.
i dont remember
i was just left with the feeling.
and then i woke up from my sleep. it was all a dream.
i have never remembered any dream. this one is by far the most clear dream. this is i guess the only dream that i can think of i remember. somehow it left some impression on me. it made me thinking a lot. the faces were so clear. the color was blood red. i felt numbness. dont know what i felt honestly. dont know what happened.
did not feel awesome. did not feel anything. it was complete numbness. 

a deep thought...

while we celebrate birth, while we celebrate the beginning of the new life we show sorrow and resentment towards death. why? i have never been able to understand why? aren't both the processes interlinked?it has been said again and again that in Bhagvad Gita, Lord Krishna says that a soul leaves the old body and takes a new one just as we leave our old clothes and take new one. without death there will be no birth.

people celebrate in life without realizing that this life has resulted in someone's death somewhere.

similarly people mourn in death without realizing that this death has taken life somewhere.

one needs to understand that this life and death is a circle. it keeps on happening irrespective of everything. where there is nothing to be sad about it, there is nothing to be happy about it either. both are beautiful. they have to be! after all they are gods creation. they are nature's gift to us. perhaps the only way to restart a life all over again and do everything from the very start. the only way to come over the emotions we have towards them is by being inert towards them.
but isnt it the emotions that we have towards them that make us human?it is the emotions, the way we think that make us different from other people. it is our very own emotions that make us special. and on the same hand to escape this suffering, we have to become inert.
yes this is confusing. this is a big problem that life throws at us. if we kill the emotions we  r insensitive. and if we keep them, freedom from the suffering is nowhere near.

so..what should we do??

just a passing thought

everyday we learn, we grow. everyday brings us something new.we have experiences everyday. some change the way we look at the world, some change the way we look at the people. our thoughts are crushed, so is our ego. we laugh and we make others laugh. we cry and we make others cry.all of this makes sure we are moving ahead. we are growing up.some people are born, some die. the balance of life and death, right and wrong has to be maintained. oh yes. some expereinces make us happy and some make us cry. but when did we learn from our happy experiences? it is always the harsh truth. it is always the hammer of the blacksmith which gives a shape to the iron. we have knowledge. we are already iron. all we need to do is remove the negativity. all we need to be is in shape. there is nothing, no quality that we dont have. all we need to do is lose.. it turns out that loosing is fun!! think about it...

for amit bhaiya...

mela pyala amit bhaiya...you are such a cutie pie. when we are near you somehow all our sorrows drain away, and we start behaving like kids. i just look for a excuse to talk to you. and if i am not able to find an excuse, still i call you.. :p  most of the solution to our problems is just listening to your voice. whatever my problem is, when i tell it to you, i feel that my problem is already solved, and when you tell me the solution, i dont do anything but smile. the reason for me to come on saturday is to hug you and see you smiling. bhaiya when you hug me....the feeling is wow. i feel so centered. calm. peaceful. i drop all emotions, and i feel i have everything. when you smile, we feel like a flower has blossomed. your smile brings a smile on our face. you take care of us so easily. you do everything, and you make sure that no one is troubled and everyone is ok. i always observe whatever be the situation, whatever work you give, you always put us first and then the work. talking to you bhaiya is like talking to our self. transparency.giving out all thoughts and leaving out everything. you are soft and delicate like a flower. you are beautiful. you are a teacher, you are a friend. and best of all you brought us such a beautiful and pyari pyari bhabhi!!!
i really dont know what my life was, before meeting you. but i know what my life is after meeting you. i dont remember my past. i dont wanna think about my future. i just wanna be with you. thank god i did the yes+ course. now i have you.
love you amit bhaiya. you are a true inspiration. honestly bhaiya. i dont know anything else. all i know is that i want to be with you. i dont know who you are. i dont know what you are. i dont wanna know anything. all i wanna do is be around you. be it for 1 day in a week. be it one day in a month. but the fact that you are around me is enough to calm me. it is enough to satisfy me.
all i know is you. and nothing else about you.
love you bhaiya. happy birthday. many many happy returns of the day. may god bless you with all his shine. may all your prayers be answered. may your smile inspire more as they do me. may you stay in bliss with guruji. happy birthday my dear amit bhaiya. mela pyala pyala amit bhaiya!!

the sea, the sun, and the sky...

as i was driving through my car through the highway the ocean looked
 so quiet. i stopped. keeping my mind still and looking at the ocean
at about 4-5 pm, when the sun is on the lower side, the ocean looked like a
barren desert.i felt like taking a stroll on it. the irony here was that i am afraid
 of going into water and here i was ready to take a stroll on it. somehow
this desert looked magnificent.it stretched out miles and there was no knowing
where the sky and the ocean met. it felt as said, that the sun was sinking in the
ocean!!!haha..what was somewhat more beautiful was the reflection of the sun
 in the water. i could see the reflection of the sun stretching upto the beach.
it was beautiful. i mean it stretched from the very horizon to the beach. it felt
like the sun was stretching out its hands to touch my feet.and then i let it do
that. i stepped into the water. and let the sun near my feet. the feeling of water
touching my feet felt awesome. the water was cold which felt great.
although the sun rays played no effect on the temp of the water or my legs,
somehow watching it on my legs felt funny and awesome. so i sat there.and i
looked at the magnificent sun, the sky and the ocean. there it lay at its full
stretch, with no obstructions and somehow it mocked me. it told me to come,
walk on the ocean and touch it. touch the sun. it felt so tempting. i wanted to
see the sun go down in the ocean. i felt like it is taking away all my past
sorrows away with him. at that point a thought struck me. the sun comes
everyday and goes away.people say so many things to it. they throw or offer
so many things to it. it watches the world everyday. but still it follows its routine
 it does the same old stupid and boring job everyday. but what about us?
we keep our sorrows to us. we keep thinking about our past. our nature changes
the very minute someone says anything to us, about us. can i be like the sun?
or should i be like the sun?it is the very emotion that i display that makes
me what i am.

a hug is all it takes..:)

 it was time for me to visit the AOL centre. the thought of visiting the place made me smile from inside because i knew that that place is my sanctuary, where i can connect... i can be myself...determined i went there on a satsang day( satsang means good company...when we go to satsang we chant the lords name).

it was so rejuvanating. and i met so many amazing people. there was amit bhaiya, shubhra bhabhi, basant bhaiya, neha and so many awesome people!!!! i felt blissed!!!and the satsang ended so fast...:(...it was time to go...i did not want to leave... i wanted to spend time with them...somehow those people felt different...they were not wearing any masks...they were what they were...and it felt so calm and peaceful around them...in the end of satsang everyone hugs everyone...especially the newcomer...and so i got hugs from everyone...:)...i felt happy, light and elated from my heart...and so me, neha and anish went out to go home. neha is this beautiful girl...believe it or not she is intelligent too, the proof of which is the fact that she is doing her phd... she is always smiling...she is always doing some chatar chatar patar patar...haha..it was fun to be around her...always jumping like a kid...it is so much fun to tease her...she always gives these naughty reactions when we tease her...she kept on speaking and did not give any chance to me to speak!!!but who wanted to speak?? i just wanted to listen to her...neha's train was 3 mins away and mine was after that...it was time to bid goodbye. i told her that all these days i was feeling so alone and when she hugged i felt awesome...she smiled, looked at me and she gave me a nice and warm hug...

 and her train came and with the childish smile she hopped on the train and left...and i stood there...
in that moment i dont know what happened... but a lot of feelings overtook me... i was drawn into some void and droplets of tears rolled down my cheeks...and there i was...in new york city, in the subway standing on the platform and crying...one or two people started staring...trust me, its a rare sight to see a guy cry...i dont know what had happened to me...what overcame me, but there i was standing...

that hug said a lot of things...it said whatever happens dont worry i will be there for you...whenever you need a friend i am there!!! it was reassuring and sweet mixed with a tinge of warmth...her look was piercing...i felt like she could look inside my heart and see what i had gone through and what had i been doing all these days... i couldn't forget that moment for a long time...someone hugging is not a big deal..i know that...but that moment got stuck in my mind...maybe it was the empathy which she had for me...or maybe it was the divine love which all of them possess...it was something...because when i returned home i was all smiles...the whole night the only thing that i did was smile...when i was cooking i was smiling...when i was talking in my home i was smiling...hell i even studied with a smile!!

and perhaps at that moment i learnt a valuable lesson...a hug from neha is all it takes!!!
haha
thank you neha!!!
jai gurudev

maybe. just maybe. i know the secret to happiness :)

and finally she is online after 3 days...damn i missed her...dont know why i miss her but i do... :)...i dont even miss my girlfriend that much  :-p...anyways...so ...i pinged her...
"hi, how r u? kahan thi itne din?" i said
"i  went bak home."...i was kinda surprised. i mean her exams are 13 days away and she is a good student. why would go home so suddenly and that too without even leaving a message??
she continued "i was contemplating suicide, and i dint wanna attempt"
"wtf!!" were my precise words...
and then she explained "it was all happening at once. bianca's surgery(her roommate). exams. loneliness. him(meaning her boyfriend)"
"its very stressful. i felt so lonely and detached. like i am alone.i lost my power. i lost confidence in god."she said.
honestly...i was shocked and also scared.
" why dint you call me?" i asked.
and pat came the known excuse" no balance".
"i knew u would scold me. thats why i was afraid to tell u. but i promise i wont do it. i was only thinking about it. i did not do anything. i promise."
for a moment i really felt bad."i trust you, you know. you dont need to promise me. i believe what you say." somehow i felt she was crying. honestly i dont know if she acually was.
so i started saying "yaar you shouldnt feel like this, life shows a lot of things. you think your problems are big? my problems are this and that"
and she said " buddy i have already analyzed everything.each and everything bugs me. at that point of time i was really alone. i was scared. i dint know what to do."
and then i asked her about her problems...i gave her some advice...i told her to do some stuff and something else but her answers gave me a hint that i was doing more harm than good.and then somehow i cracked a joke on her...
the reply was"hehehe"
and then maybe i knew the answer to everything.she knew her problems. she can solve her problems better than me anyday. she doesnt need help with problem solving. what she needs is a break from them. she wants to talk to someone who doesnt read her his own problems but enjoys every moment with her.
" are you cooking dinner?" i asked despite knowing the answer.
"no mumma is cooking it"she said
"thank god!!because if u would have cooked dinner, everyone would be contemplating suicide!!!"
and she was all laughs...i joked and joked and joked and she laughed and laughed and laughed. in the end she said she wanted to go and study for her exam. somehow i didnt wanna let her go because suddenly talking to her felt so much fun!!!
it took us 20 mins 8 jokes some cursing some stupid egoistic taunts and about 16 smileys to say goodbye to her. and in the end i received my gift...she left me a message saying " super duper gadha"
haha
gadha...she always say that to me when she is happy. and i dont know how and why...but its so heavenly to hear this word from her. i feel like crying and laughing out loud at the same time. and super duper gadha!
somehow i rested assured that everything's gonna be ok. everything will be fine.
i knew how to make her laugh. i knew how to make her cry. i myself knew how to laugh. and i knew how to cry. small talks of happiness can lighten up any heart with a heavy load. people dont need others to solve their problems. they just need a hand to hold and laugh out loud. they just need someone with whom they can stop cribbing over their life and start laughing and enjoying it.
and now. its my time to smile and rest. time to talk my girlfriend.
and maybe. just maybe.i know the secret to happiness.
:)